The Big Three Oh

Yesterday was my 30th birthday.

Having got myself into such a pickle about turning 20, I was determined to just be excited about The Big Three Oh, and I am.

I just can't believe it.

Shouldn't I have sorted out my eyebrows by now? Shouldn't I have worked out how to keep a clean house, and how to see my friends enough, and have read The Catcher in the Rye and How to Kill a Mockingbird? (It's actually a great source of shame that I haven't read them, but I always think 'I will just after this Clare Mackintosh one...')

I did have a little wobble when a photo popped up on my Facebook memories a few days ago of a birthday cake with the number 20 on it. It suddenly hit me that it's ten years since I turned 20.  I'm ten years older than a twenty year old. Then this morning my friend sent me photos of my 20th birthday celebrations. The main thing we've learned from them is her husband looked young when he was 20.

I had another little wobble when everyone was singing happy birthday to me yesterday.

Not a wobble, as such. Just another thwack of realisation. And actually, a lot of gratitude.

My family had organised the most incredible cake (courtesy of Dinkylicious Cakes- the extraordinarily talented Debbie Roe who made one of our wedding cakes and blows us away at every special occasion) and had gone to such lengths to keep it a surprise that I believe my Mum was dangerously close to having a hernia. My brother's girlfriend (a true source of joy for the whole family) was holding my giggling daughter; my mum had her Proud Face on and her camera out; my husband was grinning whilst he sang- having faffed about worrying about how many candles to use. My Dad sang enthusiastically- relieved, I imagine, that the Secret Cake had finally been revealed, and my mum's husband turned the lights off too early so we were all milling around in the dark making silly noises. The cake was chocolate all the way through, with Reese's peanut butter cups around the edge and white chocolate flowers on top- I mean, just the perfect cake for me. I was so impressed that they knew what my perfect cake would be.

(Although Mowgli, I've just realised, insisted he thought that Reese's peanut butter cups were Dale's favourites- not mine. So he has clearly never read my blog before ha.)

Anyway, it was just about perfect, and I thought, yep. This is me at 30. And that is absolutely fine.

I spent the day with my friends yesterday, and found myself using the phrase 'if there's one thing I've learned in my twenties...' and hearing myself say that inspired me to write (a very basic, I'm no Dolly Alderton) list of things I know now that I've made it through my third decade...

1) Instinct is underrated. You can read all the books, write all the lists, and tick all the boxes until you're blue in the face. Ultimately, whatever your instinct is telling you to do is most likely the correct decision. I was once offered a job as a Nanny that was perfect on paper- everything I had been looking for. I spoke to the mother on the phone for about 10 minutes and knew that it wasn't for me. Something about the way she described her child unnerved me. All the other Nanny jobs I've ever had I have absolutely loved, and I will hold those families in my heart forever more. All of those parents had said 'here's the thing about (insert child's name here), she's funny and she's kind and you'll have so much fun, but we need someone who's willing to be patient with her being a nightmare with food/hating the bath/kicking off about homework etc. This mother told me that her child was perfect. Genuinely used that word. I ended up covering for them just for a weekend whilst they sorted alternative childcare out. I'll just leave it that it was the right decision to turn it down.

I've since applied this lesson to everything from which wedding dress to buy to how to parent and who to hire, and I continue to trust it implicitly.

2) Removing your make up and drinking enough water are the best things you can make sure you do every day. Such a pain but between them they are more or less the answer to everything.

3) Flossing is your friend. Fillings are flipping awful.

4) You never know what's going to happen next. And I don't mean that none of us predicted Madonna going over during her Brit Awards performance. Or even Brexit or Trump. Or Lord Sugar throwing caution to the wind and hiring 2 winners of The Apprentice in 2017.

When I was 26 I saw a medium who said that she didn't think anyone would come through for me because I was so young. Everyone that came through was for me.

I had to say a premature goodbye to a lot of people in my twenties, and a lot of unexpected things went down. I don't suppose it should have taken that happening for me to realise just how short and cruel life can be, but we're all better at understanding these things once they've happened to us. We never know what is about to happen and should be grateful for every single day. Easier said than done, I know.

5) I should always keep my hair one length. Hairdressers always want to add layers and feathers and all sorts, and I've finally learnt to stick to my guns and say no thank you. 

Yesterday I was tagged in a lot of old photos. I asked Dale how one person has possibly had so many truly awful hair cuts. He immediately replied 'oh dear, fringe gate?' Actually, no. Nobody had tagged me in any fringe photos. Thanks for bringing it up though, honey.

6) An excellent trick for dealing with difficult people is to pause time. My youngest brother and I have often commented on how well and truly sheltered we were growing up in a small village in rural Essex until we were 18. We so rarely had to deal with difficult people before we were in our 20s, which means that this time has been a true learning curve. My wonderfully wise friend Jiminy Cricket once told me to take a deep breath, and imagine I had just paused time to punch them and then turned time back on, and they were none the wiser. I cannot tell you how many difficult conversations this has got me through. This, and remembering to....

7) Always, always, always be kind. There's actually a lot of satisfaction to be gained in being kind to people who aren't always kind to you. And, although it's always something I'm working on, it's satisfying for me to know that I'm always trying my best. I have every faith that if ever anyone is less than kind to me, there's a reason behind it that has nothing to do with me at all. On many occasions I've later found out what that reason was and been relieved to know that I dealt with it the way I did.

8) Say no. It doesn't have to be a big, scary NO. Just a gentle no thank you is absolutely fine. We all have too much going on to be wasting our time on things that make us miserable. I heard a wonderful podcast with Sarah Millican in which she changed her voice from NO to no thank you and the power of it has stayed with me.

9) It's okay to disagree. Again, this one is a work in progress for me. I have always had an awful habit of agreeing with people for the sake of saving an argument. Sometimes I walk away from a conversation absolutely furious with myself for saying something I don't believe in. It's like somebody else takes over my mouth for a few minutes, whilst I hover above my body, horrified at what's being said. I'm gradually learning that it's important to disagree with people- that's how you change opinions, or have your opinion changed. If disagreeing with someone is going to affect your relationship with someone, they probably weren't worth having around in the first place.

10) There's no such thing as good and bad people. Absolutely everyone is a mix of both, and things aren't always as straight forward as they seem. I had this epiphany listening to the song I Didn't Plan It, from Waitress, and I highly recommend listening to it and the rest of the soundtrack. And going to see it. And taking all your friends and family to see it.

People do things for different reasons, and judgement isn't always (or ever) helpful. My brother recently said to me that being with his ever patient and exceptionally accepting girlfriend has made him realise how 'opinionated' we are. I think by opinionated he meant judgemental. But that's another thing I'm very much working on. It turns out that things aren't always black and white, we don't always have all the facts, and the world doesn't revolve around us.

11) Wipe down the large surfaces. Don't worry about anything else.

I recently casually commented to Pumbaa's mum that we've got potential viewers looking at the flat at the moment, so I've also got to keep it immaculate at all times. I'd said that to loads of people, but she was the first person not to nod her head and say 'oh, what a pain.' She immediately shook her head and said 'nope, absolutely not. What that means is you've got to wipe down the large surfaces. That's all. Don't worry about anything else.'

Guess what?

I took her advice, and it still sold.

12) It's the little things that count. A friend and I were chatting recently about the pressure of trying your best at everything, of spending every second wisely, of doing everything you can. I realised that the happiest bit of my week is curling up with Dale and Squirt on a Saturday morning and watching an episode of Designated Survivor. It's the only hour of the week that I'm not achieving anything, and it's my favourite. My favourite part of the day is normally someone making me laugh. Good customer service brings me a lot of joy. There's very little a cup of coffee can't fix. Chats with my Grandma and memes from Jiminy Cricket tend to warm my heart. A phone call from my Mum. Absolutely anything that any of my cousins say. All Squirt's little facial expressions. Dale's singing. Pumbaa's 2 year old singing A Million Dreams at the top of his passionate voice. They're what matter.

So, my thirties have begun, and I have spent the first day of them in my jogging bottoms, writing, and watching Aladdin.

Speaking of which, my three wishes for my thirties are to remain happy and healthy (yes, that counts as one), to learn to worry less about what other people think (I'm told that comes by the time you're 40?) and to learn to be on time every now and then.

But for the minute, this is me at 30. And that is absolutely fine.